Live, on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show. Tonight, join Larry and his guests: Demi Moore, Mac Davis and Miss Piggy...And now, because David Brenner wasn’t available...Larry Sanders!

Please. Really, I don’t deserve this. It’s you, you folks deserve applause for standing out in that heat all this time.

Boy that heat. I mean, man--

How hot is it?

...man, is it hot.

A little punchy tonight?

Sorry, sorry.

Well, I--

Too much Nyquil.

Did you want to take a nap?

No, sir.

And man is it hot!

How hot is it?

It’s, it’s so hot here in L.A., the bullets are melting...even before the kids get to school!

It’s so hot--

How hot is it?

Thank you. It’s so hot, the arsonists are taking the day off!

It is so, so, so hot that the rioters are hosing themselves down!

Also everyone remember the Billionaire Boys Club murder? Well, the convicted leader wants a new trial -- he says he can produce witnesses who’ll get him acquitted. Yeah, well, lessee, he's already lined-up Rosa, Kato, Al Cowlings...

I finally rented "Waterworld." Wow, 180 million on that? And I thought I got suckered for nineteen-ninety-five on a Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme "greatest hits" album...

...sure, it was only three minutes long but after that you’d also prefer Kevin Costner peeing into a cup.

Splendid show, my boy! Awe inspiring!

Thanks. I now understand what the frog sees in Miss Piggy.

Sassy little hog isn't she?

And she's got great tits.

You need to date more, friend.

Hey, did you hear the reaction to the Steve & Eydie joke?

It was as if the audience had actually heard of them! Nice show!

Thanks.

Who're you kidding? The audience doesn't know them from dick... Larry Sanders just has a way with people!

Yeah. Phil, that little prick--

But a fine comedy writer all the same!

Phil had Hall & Oates as the punchline, so I said "if you're going to use old news, why not Ike and Tina Turner."

Little prick just can't take constructive criticism!

So I made a decision--

Ahh, an executive decision from the bossman!

I decided on Steve & Eydie!

Old friends of mine. Good people!

And more importantly, the easy butt of a joke!

Indeed!

We should have Phil come up with some more! This could be the start of something big!

...Today, I tried the new Combo Sandwich & Salad Meal at Wendy’s...which is a lot like seeing Steve & Eydie sing: it’s lukewarm here, very fatty there, and you don’t feel any better when it’s done.

(Larry pounds his chest indicating heartburn)

There's something wrong when Larry knows more about comedy than me. How the hell does Steve & Eydie get a laugh when my Martina Navratilova and Melissa Etheridge joke fell flat?

Too obvious.

Who are Steve and Eydie?

Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme. You'd see him on "The Carol Burnett Show" a lot when we were little. And he had a cameo in The Blues Brothers!

They're big in Vegas.

I can't believe jokes about them are actually getting laughs.

Hey, I should get Carol Burnett on the show again.

We'll be right back!

I just wanted to ask you a little something, Larry.

Oh God, Hank. What is it now?

It's nothing big, it's just, well, I'm sort of a big fan of Steve & Eydie.

That's great, Hank, I'm sure you have all their albums.

Um...no-o-o.

Anyway, my point is, they're good people, there's no reason to poke fun at them -- it's not like they're Hitler or Stalin or that fucking bitch Melanie Griffith!

Oh, damn it all!

Hey, fellas! No time for chatter! We've got a show going on!

Oh Artie, I was just telling Larry that I--

Fix your tie, Hank, it's a Goddamned mess.

And we're thrilled to be back!

The shit's hit the fan, my boy.

Oh good. The shit hasn't hit the fan since Thursday.

What? The Post publish the shots of Hank getting spanked by fourteen-year-old girls?

Very funny! We got a fax today! Beverly's got i--ahhhh, here we go.

This came in after the first dozen or so calls.

"Dozen or so"?

The phone's been ringing so much you'd think USA Today's published the pictures of Hank getting spanked by those fourteen-year-old girls.

"...And if you persist in telling jokes, there will be repercussions unlike what you might ever expect...and you will be sorry"? What the hell is this?

It's signed by Steve Lawrence.

Oh, thanks, Beverly, I almost forgot to look who wrote my death threat.

I think we're heading into a little bit of trouble here.

(incredulous)

What? With Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme?

Maybe we should just lay off a little bit, eh?

What?!

I think it would be best.

What're you doing?

Ah. Yep, there they are.

Artie, your balls have rolled under my desk. Beverly, would you get them, my hands are dirty.

Steve's a pretty tough customer, old chum. We should really consider taking it easy.

I don't know, Larry, maybe you should listen to Artie here.

You guys're kidding right? Steve & Eydie have become our Mujibir & Sirajul!

And where are they these days?

I understand Steve's got quite a bit of power in Vegas.

Yeah, so do Siegfried and Roy.

Hey, have Phil write up some more jokes and work Siegfried and Roy in.

Oh, that sounds like a tough assignment.

Careful where you go with this!

...And now because Mom always liked him best...Larry Sanders!

Thank you, thank you.

Here's some strange news I heard: Siegfried & Roy have something new in their act; it's already very popular. Tell me you don't think this is odd. For every round of applause they get, Siegfried and Roy will make someone with the last name Lawrence or Gorme...disappear!

That seems so unfair -- just "Gorme" would've been enough.

We've received several more calls from Steve Lawrence's people...

His "people"?

...lawyer, a booker from Caesar's Palace...

Plus the Steve & Eydie Fan Club called.

Yeah, well, I think I can handle four old ladies who've had their hips replaced.

(referring to the "hip" comment)

Oh, good, Liz Taylor's on the show?

And the rest of these are from Eydie who really feels you’d be "better served" if you stopped.

Um, Larry?

Hank?

I just wanted to let you know that I'm behind you on this all the way.

These! These mean nothing to me anymore!

Well, thank you, Hank. I didn't even know you were a fan.

I'm not. Not as long as they keep terrorizing you.

Artie, I just destroyed my Steve & Eydie albums in a display of support for my pal Larry.

That's truly wonderful, Hank, your efforts will not go unappreciated. Now do me a favor and haul your ass outta' here!

Artie, please, anything you say to Larry can be said in front of me.

Actually, I do have to go talk to Brian.

They're threatening legal action.

Oh, geez, oh, ya' know! This is, this is crazy, this is...

only giving us more ammunition!

Well, buddy, I'm thinking we should lay low for a couple of days.

Aw, come on! I have a good sense of humor about myself! Remember when SNL did that Carvey skit about me and my big ass? I didn't complain, I didn't call

the network, I didn't leave a dozen messages!

That's fine, but you're not Steve Lawrence and you don't know the people he knows.

Yeah, gee, if only Tony Orlando and Wayne Newton would hang out with me.

Just think about it, okay?

Yeah. Okay, Artie.

...and make sure you count the change, I don't recycle for the hell of it. Also, would you take these records and get me the CDs?

You know, I don’t really think these are available on CD.

Listen, you don't have to pretend with me. Feel free to buy copies for yourself...

I know it's not really in vogue to be fans of theirs in these offices, but we could be honest with one another you and I.

You think I'm a fan?

Well I know how you folks feel about old fashioned things and antiques.

Ohhh, well, no, you've got it wrong. Actually, my favorite musicians are Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, David Bowie, and K.D. Lang.

K.D. La-ang. Ah, I get it. I understand now.

Yeah. We only like musicians that are...

like us. Same with comedians actually.

What do you think of Ellen Degeneres?

Oh, the best!

No Carol! Damn, it looks like we're gonna' have to go with Tim Conway or Harvey Korman again.

He's waiting for you.

Just as you ordered, some more Steve and Eydie jokes.

What's this?

Oh, well, freelancers have been writing the Steve & Eydie jokes.

Oh, the head writer doesn't write for the show anymore?

I just have a problem writing this kind of thing.

I see. Okay.

Hey, Phil. I want you to get me some more Steve & Eydie jokes... and I want you to write them.

What's the problem, Phil?

Oh, uh, no problem. I'm just trying to get the monologue together.

I hear you don't write Steve & Eydie jokes.

Ego bruised? Had trouble

accepting it when Larry's suggestion turned out to be right on the money?

Permission to speak freely.

There's something wrong when Larry Sanders can tell the "hot young talent" what's funny and be right. I'm the head writer, I'm supposed to know. Jesus, he hasn't written a damn joke in six years!

And that one got a big laugh too!

What does the letterhead on this sheet say?

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Now, it doesn't say "Phil, the Hot Shit's Show," does it?

This coffee mug, with the

official Larry Sanders Show coffee in it, doesn't say "Big Fucking Phil's Damn Show," does it?

Who's got the large extravagant office across the way, hmm?

Larry Sanders.

Not big fuckin' Phil? And in

that office, not two hours ago, who did Larry Sanders trust to write some Steve & Eydie jokes for his monologue?

Big fucking Phil! That's who!

And Finally, as we've been discussing all week now, Steve & Eydie have said, to be more hip, they're going to change their stage names. And, I don't know, I just think they've gone too far with "Hootie & a blowfish." I t speak for the entire blowfish population when I say: What the heck did we ever do?... Thank you...No Flipping!

Steve & Eydie's Lawyers called to make an appointment.

Dodged them, right?

All morning. Artie's also getting calls.

Have they, you know, called the network?

I don't believe so.

Well, then what the hell am I worrying about?

Hey, Phil, the new Steve & Eydie jokes are really great.

I'm just doing what Larry wants. But I thought giving an ongoing theme to the pieces on them would maybe bring some more attention to the show.

What is the theme exactly?

The theme? It's that these old,

untalented people shouldn't be performing, and even changing their stage names won't help.

Oh. That's deep. You're like a Robert Frost for the 90s.

Excuse me, could one of you tell me where Larry's office is?

Yeah, go to the right, then straight through. you'll see it.

Thanks.

Do you think he heard you?

I hope so, he was just standing right there.

No, you schmuck, that was Steve Lawrence!

Oh. Well, I guess we got the attention I was hoping for.

This place still has a bomb shelter, right?

Hey, wait up. I'll come with you.

We need to have a very quick, little chat.

This is for tonight, listen to this: As you all know, Steve & Eydie have been searching for new names to help increase their popularity -- Steve, to keep the

adults interested, will now be known as "Matlock," while, to attract the kids, Eydie'll simply call herself. . ."Crack!"

Ha-ha. Funny. But into our midst a creature hath arrived.

What're you quoting?

I made it up! Steve Lawrence is here and he's--

Stevie! My old compadré!

Hey, Arthur, how are ya' these days?

Not so bad. How's the wife?

Great. Listen, Arthur, would you mind if I spoke to Larry for a second...alone.

Steve, anything you want to say to him, you can say in front of me!

Should I remind you about Atlantic City, nine years ago... A "woman" named Angelica?

Sorry, pal, gotta' fly.

You know why I’m here, Larry. I think I've been pretty fair about this. With each joke you're hurting me, and worse, you're hurting my wife. Obviously, asking you nicely, several times, doesn't work.

Well, you never did actually say "please."

Threats, legal or physical, also don't seem to work.

Well, you know, it wasn't me. It was our lousy head writer.

Here's a list of jokes right here, there's no stopping him! The little prick!

Larry, Larry. You disappoint me.

It's your show. You call the shots.

Let's see if you’re man enough to take 'em.

Thanks for your time, Larry. I think it's been educational for both of us.

You okay, pal?

That, that bastard's gonna get his ass sued...and we're gonna start doing two jokes about him every night.

He smacked me, Artie. That piece of shit smacked me. I'll sue, and I'll win.

And everyone'll know that Larry Sanders got smacked across the face by Steve Lawrence...it's just red, it won't even bruise!

And you were out of here pretty fast. What? He know about Angelica too?

How'd you hear?

Oh, Beverly and Paula were talking about it one day...

That's not the problem--

No, here's our problem.

The ratings. Since Steve & Eydie have become such a popular punchline on our show, the households for the 18-49s have declined, while the geezers seem to be tuning in regularly...they want to hear jokes about the folks they loved in their youth.

Ratings’re down? So, if I stopped doing Steve & Eydie jokes, we can say it's because of ratings?

No, we will stop doing Steve & Eydie jokes, because the beer we advertise, nor those little cars that go with it, are selling.

Hm. What should we do to improve this situation?

...in response, Bill Clinton said he could drink Ted Kennedy under the table.

And in other news today, Ice-T, yes rapper Ice-T, who's so popular with the youngsters these days, said he'll be altering his name to keep up with these ever-changing times. From now on he said he'd like to be known as..."Frappuccino."