PlanitReality.com - PlAin AWfuL

ANGIE
What in the name of Bruno Magli is
that about?!!?

STEPHEN
MISS ROSIE HAD A BICYCLE THE SEAT WAS
MADE OF GLASS, EVERY TIME SHE SAT ON
IT, A PIECE WENT UP HER ASK ME NO
MORE QUESTIONS, TELL ME NO MORE LIES--

GERARD
Shonnie! You gotta stop singing now.
Angie, you--

ANGIE
He’s Shonnie again, huh?

GERARD
Yeah.

ANGIE
What happened to that porno star
personality...the one who thought he
was an errant knight in a past life?

GERARD
Sir Lots O’ Lance? Apparently, all he
ever did was, uh, joust.

The girls are still hanging on Angie even though he’s let the cat out of the bag...

ANGIE
(RUBS HANDS AROUND CROTCH)
No one wanted to pull the sword from
the stone, hm?

GERARD
Little problem with his cod-piece.

ANGIE
Not his helmet?

GIRL#1
Maybe some girl’s search for the Holy
Grail turned up nothing more than an
empty...cup.

ANGIE
(TO GIRL #1)
I hire you to be a cover, not a humorist.

GERARD
All right, well, you come here for
anything else, Ange?

ANGIE
Well, towel boy, I need a prop for
the audition we’re going to today --
it’s for a pilot!

GERARD
Rock! This might be that chance for a
comeback! But "Flowers by Bill" will
never be topped -- I’ve said it before:
it’s a classic, man.

ANGIE
Thanks, but, how it typecast me! I
don’t know why everyone thought that
playing a gay man meant it’s all I
could do! This audition today, ugh,
it just shows t.v.’s lost its bite!
My show was the first to push those limits!

GERARD
(HEADING TO THE BACK AGAIN)
What the hell? What about Paul
Lynde’s uncle character on "Bewitched"
-- beat you by three years! And don’t
even get me started on Sally from Dick
van Dyke or that freaky Floyd the barber!

ANGIE
But my Bill character wasn’t a
featured character, he was it! And I
was on after "The Brady Bunch."

GERARD
Point made.

Gerard exits to the rear.

GERARD
(O.S.)
Let me know when the doctor gets here!

STEPHEN
(SINGS WHILE OTHER ACTION CONTINUES)
GREAT GREEN GOBS OF GREASEY GRIMEY
GOPHER GUTS, MUTILATED MONKEY MEAT,
LITTLE BIRDIES DIRTY FEET...GREAT GREEN
GOBS OF GREASEY GRIMEY GOPHER GUTS,
AND I FORGOT MY SPOON! SO I USED MY
STRAWWWW!!...SLURP, SLURP...

We HEAR the shower start. Angie starts away from the girls, crossing the room.

ANGIE
Hang on a second, ladies.

He walks over to some piece of furniture with a cabinet or drawers and takes out a large bag of tennis balls and pink rubber balls.

ANGIE
Perfect!

Angie walks over to a table where we see a wallet and a watch. He flips through, then reaches into his own pocket and takes out a single and a five. From the wallet he removes a twenty, leaving some singles and a five.

ANGIE
Perfecter!

Angie and his girls exit as the intercom buzzer buzzes, one of the girls hits the button, to let the person in as they leave.

Stephen (Shonnie) stops singing.

After a moment, there’s a KNOCK...another moment and the door opens...a man enters.

This is DR. TIMBERLAKE.

He approaches Stephen, still silent.

The PHONE rings. Timberlake grabs the phone.

TIMBERLAKE
Yes?...No, but I think I hear him. Hold on.

He heads into the back room.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - THAT MOMENT

Angle inside tub/shower on Gerard. He stands there washing, when suddenly the curtain gets pulled aside.

GERARD
What the f--?! Geez, Timberlake!

TIMBERLAKE
You’ve a call.

Timberlake hands the phone over to Gerard.

GERARD
Yeeess?...Oh, hey. Yeah, yeah well,
any minute. Sure...Hold on, I've
got another call...

Gerard notices Timberlake standing there looking at him.

GERARD
Yo. Dude.

TIMBERLAKE
(EMBARRASSED AT BEING CAUGHT)
Oh. Oh, sorry.

Timberlake closes the shower curtain.

During this quick moment, Gerard has clicked over to the other line.

GERARD
Hello?
(STARTS TALKING LIKE A BLACK MAN)
Yo, girl, what up?...Naw. Naw, Ha!
Lis'en, baby, if I can get myself away
tonight how about we go shake that
fine booty o' yours...Yeahhhh.
Awright. Yeah, awright.

As Gerard’s about to click back over to the other side, the curtain suddenly slides back open.

TIMBERLAKE
What the hell was that, Gerard?

GERARD
(AS IF DOC'S A MORON)
Doc, man, she's black. Gotta speak her
language. Talk to her the way she wants
to be spoken to.

TIMBERLAKE
(NOT BUYING THAT CROCK;
STILL NOT LOOKING AT GERARD)
Of course.
(PAUSE)
Don't you have another call?

GERARD
Oh sh--

TIMBERLAKE
(STILL NOT LOOKING AT GERARD)
And stop pointing that thing at me.

Gerard clicks back and closes the curtain.

ANGLE ON Timberlake lookin' at himself in the mirror but reacting happily to Gerard's nudity.

BACK ON Gerard in the shower...

GERARD
Hey, sorry. So where were-- What?
Oh, it was the secretary calling to
make sure I bring a copy of my résumé.
(PAUSE)
Yeah, ten minutes? Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN ROOM OF APARTMENT - A MINUTE LATER

Timberlake is sitting next to Stephen, with a pad and pen, making notes.

STEPHEN
(AS SHONNIE)
I won't, because I said so!

TIMBERLAKE
Well, okay, Shonnie, what if I asked
you questions then.

Stephen shrugs.

TIMBERLAKE
(CONT'D)
How are you, Shonnie? Are you happy?

Stephen looks at him as if to say, "What kind of stupid question is that?"

TIMBERLAKE
Is there anything you want me to tell Stephen?

Stephen shakes his head "no."

TIMBERLAKE
Stephen has to go to work today at the
stock market, Shonnie.

Stephen shrugs.

TIMBERLAKE
(CONTINUING)
Okay, let’s get to it. What about
the stocks, Shonnie, you always have
something to say about those.

Stephen nods.

TIMBERLAKE
Okay...

STEPHEN/SHONNIE
InterGlobe is under a secret
government investigation. Sell.
A.N.G. is working on a really big
merger. You should buy now.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
That’s it.

Timberlake nods. He gets up and crosses the room. Dr. Timberlake takes a cell phone out of his pocket and dials.

TIMBERLAKE
(INTO PHONE)
Hi! Stephen! I guess you’re not,
uh, quite in the office yet...
(LOOKS OVER AT STEPHEN)
I wanted you to buy up some of A.N.G.
You know, just, um, a thousand shares
or so...Also, do me a favor. Get me
out of InterGlobe. Sell all of it.
Ehhh, no real reason. Okay, um, see
you for our session.

Timberlake heads to the door. Calls out to Stephen.

TIMBERLAKE
Stephen--
(REALIZES HIS ERROR)
Uh, Shonnie. Shonnie, you did real good today.

Timberlake exits.

Gerard enters, dressed.

STEPHEN
Ay, man, you dressed already?

GERARD
"Already," you freaky bastard? It’s almost nine.

STEPHEN
Oh, crap! I was gone, huh? Who was here?

GERARD
I dunno. Someone new.

Stephen’s grabbing his jacket and a quick breakfast and so forth...

Gerard also starts getting himself together, grabbing his wallet and cursing to himself as he notices it’s got no money (it’s the wallet Angie had gone through earlier).

STEPHEN
Oh, crap. What’d he call himself.

GERARD
Carla.

STEPHEN
Carla?!

The buzzer buzzes, and Stephen buzzes in whoever’s at the door.

GERARD
Carla, man.

STEPHEN
Aw, fu-- And what’d "Carla" do?

GERARD
Well. She came on strong...to put it mildly.

STEPHEN
What?! Aw, geez! And what’d YOU do?!

GERARD
Well, damn it, Stephen, you’re a
frickin’ friend, I don’t know how to
handle this stuff!

STEPHEN
Wh- What’s that mean?!

Stephen’s ready to exit, he’s standing at the door. There’s a knock.

GERARD
Nothin’! Nothing, don’t worry about it.

Stephen opens the door, SHERYL enters. She an extremely sweet woman. Not a goody, goody, but definitely one of the nicest (if not THE nicest) people we’ll meet here.

SHERYL
You ready, Ger--

She’s cut-off by Stephen.

STEPHEN
Seriously, man. Did something happen
here I should know about?

GERARD
Not really.

STEPHEN
Damn it! Seriously!

GERARD
All right. You felt me down, and tried
to give me a, well, a good morning.

Stephen’s disgusted.

STEPHEN
(EXITING)
I gotta start seeing Doc Timberlake
more than once a week!

Stephen’s gone.

SHERYL
What was that about?

Gerard’s laughing wryly.

GERARD
Just screwin’ around with Stephen.

SHERYL
You are SUCH a bastard! How can you DO that?

GERARD
Oh, please. YOU try living with the guy!

SHERYL
God. You are just a jerky jerk of a jerk.

GERARD
Yeah, well, whatever. Ready?

SHERYL
Yeah.

CUT TO:

INT. SHERYL’S CAR - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

They’re driving (Ger in the passenger seat) through Manhattan city streets.
After a long moment of silence.

GERARD
So, you, uh, wanna go out Friday?

SHERYL
You’re gonna have a real life by then?
Gerard mulls this over.

SHERYL
Then I think you know my answer.

Another silence.

SHERYL
I need a new job.

Gerard looks over at her.

SHERYL
I can’t stand driving to Connecticut every day.

GERARD
What the Hell? You work, like, what,
three hours a day.

SHERYL
Oh shut up.

GERARD
No, really. You don’t have to be there
till ten. You leave at four. Sweet
deal. Six hours. You get in, grab
coffee, read silly e-mails from friends,
surf the web. That’s like a half hour.
An hour for lunch. Then you have, what,
two, three meetings most every day, right?

Sheryl nods.

GERARD
(CONTINUING)
Okay so we’re down to what, three-and-a-
half? You chat with a secretary here...
maybe you sneak a smoke there...I know
you do! You run to get a snack or some
bottled water, add THAT up and you’ve
probably got another, say, half hour. THREE! See?

SHERYL
We’ve got something in common! Three!
The number of hours I work and number
of years since YOU have!

GERARD
Oww, you little bitch! I’m going on this
job interview today, and I’ll have a job -- soon.

SHERYL
I’ve heard that how many times? How
come every job you’ve had ends prematurely?

GERARD
Lucky I guess.
(PAUSE)
What?! I don’t know!! It’s not my
fault that magazine collapsed or that
internet company failed or that
research group got sued.

He pauses.

GERARD
Or the publishing company had cutbacks...
or that cable network went belly-up,
or that diner was closed by the health
Department -- well, okay, that one
coulda’ been me...but I had no control
over the toy manufacturer burning down
or the bookshop being bought out...Or
the arrests at the fake Gap store or
the quarantine at the real Gap store...
She stops the car over to the side of a street.

SHERYL
(SMILING)
Okay. Whatever. I know you‘re trying.
But you need to find yourself.

Gerard nods.

SHERYL
We’re here. You’re ready?

GERARD
(HIS ARM WRAPPED AROUND
A SHOULDER BAG)
You bet.

SHERYL
Then go get ‘em!

She kisses him on the cheek.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - DAY

Gerard, is walking down the street, heading towards a particular building...a woman (plain, unattractive, with one eyebrow) looking right at him, plows right through Gerard as he adjusts some papers, which thus get strewn about the sidewalk.

A homeless guy with a cup or hat (some cash and coins sticking out) is nearby.

GERARD
What the hell!?

WOMAN
Screw off!

GERARD
Oh, nice!

WOMAN
Get the hell off the sidewalk!!

GERARD
(TO WOMAN)
You got a real problem, mister!

The lady is visibly upset and insulted by his "mister" comment.

Gerard begins gathering his papers. After a moment, a family of tourists comes over, parents and a 12-year-old girl (she's cute). They stand right over his shoulder.

MOTHER
Is this New York City sidewalk art?

Gerard reacts, baffled.

GERARD
What?

MOTHER
Well, I mean, is this like, are you
showing how cold the business world is
to the person left on the street?

Gerard breathes deep. Tries to be patient...

GERARD
No. No, it’s just--

FATHER
I’ll tell you, New York has some weird
stuff. I don’t get how you people
think, or how you even live in a place
this dirty and crowded with all this
noise and construction...Why...

While the father talks, several Japanese touriSts come by and take pictures of him...they move on without a word...

FATHER
...You all think you’re on a high
horse with all the "culture" and gay
people and those buildings with all
the, you know, high floors -- look there!
(he points)
That building’s gotta have, whut, like
forty floors! You don’t need no more’n six!

EXTREME CLOSE on Gerard...

BEGIN FANTASY SEQUENCE

EXT. SAME STREET - SAME MOMENT

Everyone’s standing in the same spots, but the father looks like the stereotype of a tourist. The mother and daughter look like stereotypes of Southern hicks.

ANGLE ON Gerard...

Gerard takes out a large gun and points it at the forehead of the tourist...

GERARD
Da' Mayor sends his regards.

SFX: GUN goes off.

END FANTASY SEQUENCE - ANGLE ON Gerard...

BACK TO SHOT...

The tourist father is still talking...

FATHER
I’ll tell you, it’s a nice place to
visit, heck, I mean you got all them
famous sites...the Hard Rock Café,
Planet Hollywood, The Lion King and
that big Jewish toy store by the
park, but, whoo-boy, I tell you.
We seen Mickey Mouse, a wax replica
of Bruce Willis in "Die Hard," all
we’re waitin’ for now is t’ see
Spider-Man or somebody flyin’ overhead!

ANGLE ON Gerard. He smiles and laughs to himself.

GERARD
Your daughter’s, like, tight, man.

FATHER
Whut?

GERARD
Your daughter...I mean, your wife’s
got nice lips, a nice mouth...but
your daughter -- by the time she’s
18 she’s gonna be stacked like a...
40-story building.

MOTHER
Why, I--

GERARD
(TO DAUGHTER)
How old are ya’, darlin’?

DAUGHTER
Twelve.

GERARD
Hoo, older than I thought.
(TO FATHER)
Not bad so far...You given ‘er a
ride yourself yet?

The Father is stunned. The daughter is adjusting her shirt -- to show off more of her chest. And the mother is holding the daughter tightly.

GERARD
Tell you what.
(CHECKS HIS WATCH)
I’m done with my, um, artistic endeavors
for the day. How about I show you
around. It’d be like you and your wife
were escorting your daughter on a date
with her first sexually virile man!

There’s a pause from the family, like deer in headlights.

GERARD
Or you can go see the Botanical
Gardens. Have you done that?

The mom and dad shake their heads "no." The little girl is now looking hungrily at Gerard.

Gerard goes and grabs the cash from the homeless guy.

GERARD
(ASIDE TO BUM)
You need this?

BUM
Naw. This’s just a day-gig.

Gerard smiles. He steps into the street and hails a CAB, He gets one...

GERARD
(QUIETLY TO CABBIE; REACHING
INTO HIS WALLET)
You know where the Botanical Gardens are?

CABBIE
The one in the Bronx? Yes.

GERARD
Take these people there.
(HE HANDS HIM SOME MONEY)
And drop them off about ten blocks too early.

The family gets into the cab.

FATHER
Wow, boy, you really had us goin’
there for a second, man I didn’t know
whut was goin’ on, but I see it was
just a little New York humor...yeah,
you folks here ain’t bad, just a little
light in the haystack.
(MOTIONS TO HIS HEAD)

The Cabbie looks to Gerard.

CABBIE
Oh, okay, and I think I know a really
long way to get there.

GERARD
They’re your ears, man.

Gerard turns to the father. He says the following as if he’s saying "Take care...have a nice day."

GERARD
Okay, well, drop dead! Have a good
time, you complete morons!

The mom and dad wave a sort of bewildered wave. The 12-year-old is still making googly eyes at Gerard.

GERARD
(LOOKING AT WATCH)
And with time to spare!

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - MINUTES LATER

We follow Gerard into the building, up the elevator and to reception of his interview.
NOTE: this is where the taped, "real life" interview is placed. It will be edited down to about two-five minutes of highlights.

CUT TO:

EST. SHOT - NEW YORK CITY DANCE CLUB - NIGHT

INT. DANCE CLUB - THAT MOMENT

We see Gerard dancing with an attractive black woman, she’s taller than him (making her about six feet as Gerard’s average height) and hot. Basically, she’s too much woman for him to handle.

After a moment, we also see Angie -- sandwiched between TWO GUYS, dancing like it’s the end of the world.

Angie is wearing a hat and shades to hide his identity.

They all sort of signal each other to get off the dance floor and go get some drinks (through the crowd and under the music, we see them grab a waitress, order, and tell her where they’ll be waiting for the drinks). They make their way to an empty corner of the club (no seats -- they’re standing)...

Gerard is again speaking like a black guy.

GERARD
Ang--

Angie shakes his head "no."

GERARD
Uh...Yo, you tell Jeszyca about yo’ day?

ANGIE
No! Oh, Sorry I got here so late!

GUY #1
(HANGING ON ANGIE)
So am I.

GERARD
(REACTING TO GUY #1’s COMMENT)
Oh, come on. Too much. Too, too much!

ANGIE
This is the same homophobe who
greeted me in a towel today.

JESZYCA
Gerard is homophobic only when he’s outnumbered.

ANGIE
Girlfriend, so am I! Ha-ha-ha!!

Angie pauses as the waitress brings the drinks around.

ANGIE
Anyway! I got a part in a sit-com
pilot today!

JESZYCA
What’s that mean?

GERARD
It’s like the first episode -- a test.
The networks look at it and see if
they want to put it on the air.
They throw all the characters at you,
and you sit there and hope the next
episode’s better, ‘cause these usually
feel like they ain’t EVER gonna end
‘cause it’s all exposition...and,
usually, most pilots don’t even get
no second episode and we never see
them on t.v.

Jeszyca nods.

ANGIE
What he said! So! It’s
about these two widowed people who
have married each other. The man has
two kids, spitting image of him, the
wife has three -- spitting image of her.

GUY#2
Oh it sounds darling!

GUY #1
(REACTING)
It does!

Jeszyca shrugs.

While that exchange is happening, Gerard leans in to Angie.

GERARD
(ASIDE TO ANGIE)
I Know you wanna stay incognito amongst
strangers, but what's the show called, man?

ANGIE
(ASIDE TO GERARD)
"And Davey Makes Six" -- isn't that delish?

GERARD
(MORE TO HIMSELF)
It sounds famil--

Gerard's cut off by Guy #1...

GUY #1
So come on! Give us all the deets!

ANGIE
Anywhoo! These two get married in the pilot
and decide to adopt this orphan boy.
And then it's just a show about the family,
and the kids at school, and things like that.

JESZYCA
And who'll you be?

ANGIE
Oh, I’m the dad! Isn’t it delicious?!

GERARD
(STILL TALKING LIKE A
BLACK GUY)
Damn! It’s the freakin’ "Brady
Bunch"! You're IN "The Brady Bunch"!!

ANGIE
(TO GERARD)
Oh, nigger, please! This is totally
different!
(ASIDE TO JESZYCA)
We have a black maid.

Jeszyca smiles politely, obviously annoyed.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE DANCE CLUB, AWAY FROM THE CROWD - LATER THAT NIGHT

Jeszyca has her back to Gerard.

GERARD
Girl!! What you wanna take me outta
the club fo’ and talk to me about?!

JESZYCA
This!

She turns around and punches him in the stomach -- hard. He doubles over, in serious pain.

GERARD
(STILL TRYING TO TALK BLACK;
OUT OF BREATH)
Giiirl!! What the, the heck you, you
do that fo'?!

JESZYCA
Damn it, Gerard. I think you’re
cute as hell, but you gotta stop
this talking-like-a-black-man crap!

GERARD
Whatchoo talkin’ about?

Jeszyca rolls her eyes.

JESZYCA
Don’t call me until you’ve figured
your shit out!

She walks off. Gerard stands up, and two hot Asian girls walk by as he dusts himself off...

GERARD
Herro, Radies!

They continue on, not acknowledging him.

GERARD
(calling to the ladies; dESPERATE)
I’m good at math!

DISS TO:

INT. GERARD’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Gerard enters, clicks on a small light, finding Stephen in some terribly uncomfortable, and embarrassing, position along the kitchen counter. He’s fast asleep, money spread about his person. Gerard stops to take this in.

GERARD
Good day at the market, Steve?

He then heads to the computer and boots it up, looking solemn.

He gets online and clicks "HOME" and his web browser window opens, taking him to his preset homepage: http://www.NakedGirlsWithBigOnesEatingBananas.com

He clicks another button or two, and we SEE a window which reads "Set Home Page." In one line we can see the label, "CURRENT HOME PAGE" with www.NakedGirlsWithBigOnesEatingBananas.com filled in. He HIGHLIGHTS the line with his mouse and deletes.

He types something which we don’t see. We then see him CLICK on the HOME button again. The window with www.NakedGirlsWithBigOnesEatingBananas.com RELOADS to a page called "HotNewJobs.com."

He sits back, sighs (getting ready to get down to business), and begins to type as we...